Baby Kisses!

Madison, when I saw you on Thursday night, you were sitting up so well.  I got down on the floor with you, and you looked at me with your big beautiful eyes and smiled.  And then you leaned forward into me, and gave me something of an accidental kiss on the cheek!  Then you leaned back, looked at me, your eyes got even wider, and then you leaned forward again, this time on purpose, and gave me ANOTHER kiss!

You did this one more time (now easy to see that it was on purpose) and your mom was laughing and I was nearly in tears.  My first kiss from my beautiful daughter when you are only 6 months old.

You are amazing, and I can't wait to see the woman that you grow up to be.

I love you - all of you,

-Dad

Big Boy Poops!

Your mom just texted me a picture of your first big boy poop!

Her text read, "Success!!!!  Just did his first big boy poop in his potty.  He peed on me as he went, but small steps, right?"

I'll spare you the picture on the blog post, but I just wanted to tell you that I love you, K-Dog, and your mom and sister Scooch, too!

Way to go!

-Dad

Pinwheels!!!

My Dearest Kellan & Madison,

   Your mother and I love you both so very much.  You were both so happy and smiling and I was so glad to see you and play with you today.

   Today is a hot day, toward the end of June.  Last Thursday was the first time I had seen either of you in two months, and we played at the park that evening.  It was a beautiful night with a cool breeze, and lots of shade, and Kellan and I ran and ran and played on the jungle gyms, slides and swings.  Today, I came to the house at noon, and it was too hot to go outside or to the park, so we played inside in the cool air conditioning.

    Madison, you are six months old, and today you showed me how you can scoot backwards in your walker.  You are getting really good at it!  Today, as you and I were playing, I saw you reach out for Kellan's stuffed Peter Pan doll, so I handed him to you, and your eyes lit up as you grasped him.  You are such a good girl, and you are so beautiful.  Your red hair and blue eyes are striking, and your stomach muscles are super-strong - you are able to sit up really well, while other babies your age can't really do it that well.  You watch your brother closely, and seem to be learning from his every move.

    Kellan, you are two years old and two months, and today we ran and ran and played in the house.   You are working on getting over your limp from breaking your leg, and are doing so much better than you did even on Thursday at the park!  You're still a little unsteady, and you tripped and fell once as we were playing, but you brushed it off like nothing happened, and we kept on going!  I chased you around the kitchen island with your two pinwheels - a game that you love, and you giggle and smile and laugh as we play.  I have been out of town and have waited for two months to chase you with the pinwheels, and today I finally got my wish.  I built up a sweat (even in the air conditioning) while you were completely unfazed by the exercise, but it was my absolute dream come true to be in our home and play with you and your sister.  The picture I have in my memory of your bright smile and laughter as we played is better than anything that could be captured by a camera.

   Things right now are tough for your mom and I.  I don't know how old you'll be when you read this, but I want to write down what's going on right now to help you understand what life was like for your mom and me as you were growing up.  (At least, during the time before you started to make your own memories.)  I don't know how all of this is going to turn out with your mom and me.  I really, really, really hope that we are not separated or divorced when you read this.  I love your mother very much, and I want us to to stay together and be happy.  I do have to learn how to manage my emotions better to be a better husband and a better father (and just to be a better man!) and I hope your mother can see how hard I am trying.  I have been going to therapy twice a week for the last two months, and I have two therapy sessions set up for this week, and have called about all of the anger management classes on the list I was given.  I've even set up an office space where I can go to work so that I won't be at the house anymore during the day, which means I can spend better quality time with all three of you when work is over.

    So, right now, we are in a serious situation.  I haven't been able to see you for the last two months because of an agreement that I made with your mom.  I promised I would stay in Tulsa, Oklahoma, (where I work for one week out of the month, usually, and the rest of the time I have been working from home.)  Two weeks after it happened, we found out that Kellan had broken his leg.  The doctor who examined Kellan, called the break "suspicious" and a government agency called CPS ("Child Protective Services") was notified.

   Because of the way that I have acted in the past around your mom, and the heated arguments that we've had, your mom was scared that I may have hurt you, Kellan.  She knows that I love you, but she thought that in a moment of anger, I somehow had broken your leg.  In fact, two days before you started limping, I had put you into your car seat more roughly and forcefully than I should have, and I felt terrible about it when it happened.  I wasn't angry - you were just upset and made your body rigid in protest of going into the car seat.  I put my hands to your hips and got you to sit down and buckled you in, but in hindsight, I should have tickled you to get you to sit down.  Anyway, when we found out that your leg was broken, I pointed the finger at myself as the possible reason and wondered if somehow, putting you in the car seat that day had broken your leg.

   Your mother loves you both.  She loves you so much that I think all she was thinking at the time was to protect the two of you, and that nothing else mattered.  I stayed in Tulsa when I should have come home.  Being there gave me time to work on myself and go to therapy, but it did nothing to reassure your mother that the two of you would be safe with me.

   The details of what have happened in the last two months are for another post, maybe.  If your mom and I are no longer together when you read this, I know you're probably going to want to know every last detail to understand how and why it happened.  But hopefully, in the long run, it won't matter.  You'll just know that when you were 2 years old and 6 months old, your mom and dad had a rough spot that they were able to get over.  But even if we aren't together, you both need to know that none of this is your fault.  I haven't handled myself in the most adult way, or been good at managing my emotions, disruptions, and anger.  Your mom made her decisions to protect the two of you, and I truly believe that.  So right now, I have to do everything that I can to show your mom that we can be a family again, and that she doesn't have to worry about the two of you being safe with me.

   I love you both so much.  I love your mom, too.  I wish I could be at the park with the two of you right now.  I so wish it.  It's a beautiful night, and I cannot wait for the next time I can hold you both in my arms and kiss your foreheads.

   - Dad

 

The Little Mermaid

My Dear Daughter,

    Yesterday you went on your first Dineyland ride: The Little Mermaid!  You were so brave, you kept your eyes open the whole time, and just watched all of the animatronics and listened to the music.  That was Kellan's first ride at Disneyland, too.

    You were dressed like a strawberry yesterday, and so many people stopped to tell us just how cute you were.  And you were such a good girl, too.

    You smile a lot these days, and crinkle your little nose.  Your mom has even heard you laugh a couple of times.  Your newest trick is flailing your arms and hitting the little toys that hang down from your car seat.  You also like to kick your legs, and I think you can't wait to start running around and terrorizing your big brother.

    Lots of people have told us that they really love your baby announcement.  I hope you don't mind what I wrote on the back for you.  (What am I saying? Of course you'll mind, but I guess it's okay since you're too young right now to give me a hard time for it!)

    I love you!

- Pappa

"Diced Peppers!"

You're right, kiddo.  I would never have guessed that your first words would be "diced peppers"!

Your mom and your grandfather heard you say this today.  I am in Tulsa writing this, and it is very late.  I need to be up for work in four hours, so I'm going to make this short.

You've said, "Sponge Bob" and "Basketball" and "Spider-Man" before, but not as clearly enunciated as "diced peppers"!  I guess you found a jar of them in your grandmother's kitchen, and when your mom explained what thy were, you responded by repeating their name.  This is only the beginning!

We haven't decided on a name for your little sister yet.  Your mom says that she wiggles when she hears your voice.  Harper?  Sadie?  Piper?  Should her middle name be "Mischief"? "Adventure" has too many syllables.  Whoah... I think "Peril" would a perfect middle name for her!  I'll have to run it past your mom, but I like it!

Okay, my son (and daughter)!  Daddy's got to hit he hay.  Can't wait for all of our adventures together!

Sweet dreams, both of you!  Good night!

-Dad

It's Sunday morning, your mom is asleep, and you are watching Toy Story in your downstairs Pack-N-Play. We went for a walk outside earlier, and you picked up some sticks and rocks. You always want to have something in each hand when we are outside. You're very tactile. I watch you roll sticks between your fingers, bang rocks together, and crush dried leaves in your hands. You've decided that you are done watching the movie and we are now on the stairs. You always pick up Emily's and Maggie's dog bowls and try to roll them down the stairs. The upstairs gate was open, and you ran into the room where Mommy was sleeping. Was. You are laughing as you play on the dangerous elliptical, and now you are putting your stuffed Goofy in harms way - he'd be crushed by the steppers as they rolled past. You just rescued him, and after depositing him safely near the dog toy bin, you are now up in the bed with Mommy, drinking a bottle. You've recently had an ear infection, so you worry us both when you slap your ear like you just did. I hope that this last antibiotic treatment (your second one for this problem) gets rid of your pain. You don't know it yet, but pretty soon, our family of three is going to be a family of four! Your mom is pregnant, and while we don't know if you'll have a brother or a sister yet, your mom's last visit to the doctor let us know that your sibling is healthy so far! I love you, son! Dad

Dog Doors, Toilets, and Remote Controls

Some of your favorite things to do right now:

1) Take your toys, balls, things from the pantry, dog collars, and put them outside through the dog door into the backyard.  Your mom calls them "Offerings to the Backyard Gods"

2) You like to splash in Emily's and Maggie's water bowl (although you don't splash at all when you are getting your bath...).  This fascination with water has extended to toilets, recently, so your mom and I have to be on our toes and close the bathroom doors if you are running around without us following you.  Also, you've been enjoying dropping things into the toilet, and recently dropped some of the "Flippy-Floppers" (dog frisbees) into the toilet at our house, and dropped a bunch of deodorant sticks, shampoo bottles and remote controls into the toilet at your grandparents' house here in California.

3) Speaking of remote controls, one of your favorite things to do is to grab our remote controls and run away.  You know we'll chase you, and you never really cry when we get them back.  You know it's a game, and I think you take delight in our laughter when the channel changes or the volume shuts off when we are watching a program together.  Your Grandmother Pagel gave us one of her remote controls, so we use it as a decoy for you to play with, but I think you are catching on that we don't chase you as hard when you have that one... 

4) You love to zoom around in your little bike that your mom got you for your birthday, but that we decided to let you have for Easter.  Your legs aren't long enough to peddle it, s we push you around, but you enjoy it whether we are inside or outside:

5) You really enjoy watching a show called "Little Einsteins" - in particular, an episode called "Brothers and Sisters to the Rescue."  You watch it all the time, and during the day, even when you are not here, the music plays in the back of my head, and I think of you...

6) You really love climbing the stairs.  You like to go up and down, and grab the dog dishes (yes - they eat on the stairway landing halfway up...) and climb to the top with them in your hands.  There have been several times where, if we weren't there to catch you, you would have tumbled all the way down and cracked your skull, I'm sure.  "Danger" is a very appropriate middle name for you.  Can't believe we've made it a whole year with all of your fingers and toes intact!

In short, being you is pretty exhausting.  You're constantly learning about the world around you, and teaching us how to be good parents.  

Good night, kiddo.  Sweet dreams.

-Dad